‘So what is it that you actually do?’ – Stories from a coach and facilitator with a niche job title (Part 2)

I offer coaching, facilitation and consultancy in a wide range of contexts with people in very different situations. But there are some common themes that arise for many clients – these include:

*Burnout and compassion fatigue

*Finding it difficult to express themselves or state their needs

*Feeling stuck in a ‘freeze’ response

*Working out ‘who am I now, and where next?’

*Creating community and finding places where they feel a sense of belonging

These challenges can show up in different ways and different situations, and it’s not always obvious at the outset that these are things that might need some attention. Sometimes, the reason a person comes to coaching is that they’re stuck with a specific issue in the workplace, difficulty communicating with someone in their life, needing support to make life decisions, or because they feel that they need some space to focus on improving their wellbeing.

But when we get below the surface, a lot of the themes that come up for people are human experiences that so many of us share in common. As a species, we’ve evolved to survive and thrive through cooperation, and we can be motivated by a need for belonging. That’s part of the reason that the relational aspect of any good coaching can be so transformative, and it’s also why I often find myself focusing on relationships, communication and what’s going on psychologically, emotionally and somatically in relation to them, regardless of what specific issues a client has come in with. Underneath a fear of speaking up and asking for a specific need (or want) to be met is often a belief such as ‘I’m too much’, ‘I’m not enough’ or ‘I mustn’t risk rejection’, which was likely a result of interactions with significant people earlier in life. Although coaching differs from therapy by being predominantly present and future focused, rather than spending a lot of time reflecting on the past, understanding why we’re carrying around self-limiting beliefs or struggling with a particular aspect of communication, self-care or decision making can be powerful in terms of breaking cycles and creating meaningful change.

So, what do I find useful in addressing these big topics?

The Coaching Relationship

A major foundation of any effective therapeutic or personal development focused relationship is building rapport, trust and enough safety to allow clients to express how they really feel and know that this will be met positively. That in itself, along with any interactions that lead to feeling seen and heard can be a powerful intervention for someone who is working with internalised beliefs about being ‘too much’, ‘not enough’ or ‘taking up too much space’. This might look like – for example - explicitly stating that emotions are welcome in the coaching space, responding calmly and warmly to what a client has shared, demonstrating reliability and showing that I’ve heard and understood, and offering permission to clients to be in the space, in their body and in the coaching relationship in whatever way they need to.

Beyond this, I might offer an experimental, sometimes slightly playful approach to collaboratively working with clients to discover what tools, resources and communication styles work best for them. I may use gentle challenge and checking out assumptions to support them to move past self-limiting beliefs. We may explore models, frameworks and metaphors or stories to make more sense of something a client is stuck with. These are tried and tested aspects of coaching work, and I’m always delighted when they result in a new insight that leads to meaningful change – like when one client realised that there was a pattern of discounting her own needs when communicating with others in her personal and professional life, and began working on a strategy to address this that led to huge improvements in her work and relationship with her partner.

An Embodied Approach

I also find an embodied approach to addressing some of these big themes is really effective. We’re finally starting to move away from approaches to personal development that seem to view us as floating heads with clear distinctions between the cognitive, emotional, physical and behavioural aspects of ourselves. It’s becoming clear to more and more people that we can’t really separate our thoughts, emotions, experiences, body sensations and physical/mental health. I got into embodiment work because I was in a wellbeing and communication crisis of my own, and because most of my coaching work, at least in the early days, focused on performance and presentation, which have embodied aspects to them. We communicate using our bodies, and when this is in the context of verbal communication or vocal performance, our body is our instrument. There’s a feedback loop between the physical sensations we feel, whether we’re holding tension in our bodies, how we’re taking up space, how we feel emotionally, and what we communicate. On a societal level, we’re learning more and more about the ways in which we can re-regulate an over or under-stimulated nervous system in order to get back to a place of calm, clear thinking and here-and-now presence. That’s really helpful in situations where we might feel stressed, anxious, angry or overwhelmed. So there’s always an element of embodied practice in my coaching, even if that ‘only’ involves encouraging clients to notice physical responses and offering sugggested ways to ground themselves when things get challenging. We might also play with embodying a particular thought, feeling or experience, and seeing what happens to the client’s communication, emotions or thought processes when they try different ways of breathing, taking up space, engaging muscles or letting go of tension.

Connecting with Intuition

Offering tools that support deep relaxation, connection with our most intuitive, Adult selves and space to meaningfully reflect can also be transformative when someone is stuck in a place of feeling ‘frozen’, unable to work out what to do next, or afraid to set courageous goals that will bring them what they need in order to feel as healthy and fulfilled as possible. Using breathwork, guided visualisations and other tools that can help clients to enter this deeply reflective space can be a great jumping off point for identifying values, working out what they would ideally like their life to look like, connecting with what they feel passionate about, and moving on to take steps towards the goals they have set from a place of calm, curiosity and intuition. Sometimes, we can surprise ourselves when we tap into feelings, ideas and dreams that we’re less aware of on a conscious level, and that can lead to powerful insights and ability to get ‘unstuck’ in decision making processes. One client came to coaching because of burnout and a need to address work-life balance. They hadn’t had the time or space to reflect on what they wanted to do next in life or how to achieve a more sustainable pace while satisfying their career goals until they found a way to protect some time for coaching sessions in which to slow down and consider this. We used visualisation exercises to connect with the client’s values, needs and passions. This was the first step in a change of career that they later fed back brought them joy and helped them to feel more like their authentic self than they had in a long time.

Self-Expression Work

I also support clients to express themselves with courage, authenticity and clarity. That might be in the context of speaking up about their own needs and views, performance and presentation, addressing a fear of being seen and heard or all of the above. It can be so helpful to have a practice space in which making mistakes, ‘saying the unsayable’, being vulnerable and making noise are explicitly welcomed and encouraged. Again, the working relationship makes a huge difference here, as it’s far easier to take risks when we trust the person who is supporting us to do so. It’s important to go at the pace that works best for each person, and for them to be reminded that they are in control of the situation. Permission to stop, say no and ask for a specific need to be met are important in letting a client know this – especially if they have a history of needing to over-adapt in order to please others and stay safe. Beyond this, there are lots of ways that I might support someone to express themselves more freely. Inviting a playful approach can be helpful in some situations (and absolutely the wrong thing to do in others – tailoring support to individual need is so important here). Distraction can help in cases where someone is caught in a feedback loop of self-criticism and stifled expression/communication. I enjoy seeing the difference it can make when I support people to connect with their emotions and speak, sing or present as themselves (rather than emulating someone else or trying to be who they think others might want to hear). The changes can be subtle or hard to pin down, but the difference is in the emotional connection – it’s so exciting when someone expresses something in a way that sparks a real human to human connection and helps me tap into my own emotional world for a moment. That’s an example of courageous, authentic communication, which can be so transformative in contexts from moving past conflict, to advocating for our needs, to being able to move and inspire an audience.

If you’d like to find out more and discuss how I might be able to support you with any of the challenges described here, I’d love to hear from you – you can contact me here.

Performance Anxiety Part 1: How to shine in performance and presentation

As a coach and facilitator, I support people who feel uncomfortable with being seen and heard. People who might panic or freeze when the stakes are high and they’re required to give a performance in front of others, whether on stage, in the board room or on a conference call. In this post, I will offer some suggestions, points to reflect on and tools that could help you to feel calm enough to really shine in a performance, interview, audition or presentation. This is not a comprehensive list, because everyone is different and an approach tailored to each individual is far more effective than a generic one. Rather, I’m offering some tried and tested methods to get you started.

Part of what led me to this work was my own experience of performance anxiety as a young person. Some of my earliest memories are of myself as a young child, assembling any adults who happened to be around to watch me put on a show. It might have involved singing, dancing, acting or doing gymnastics all over the furniture, and it might have been a solo show, an ensemble piece with friends or a full-on cabaret in several acts. The adults in my life patiently indulged my high energy and regular requests to be seen and heard, and provided a safe environment in which to develop my performance chops. When I ventured further out into the world and had to audition for parts and places in the music world, I discovered what a less nurturing environment could do to my ability to give my best performance. From a fairly young age, I noticed the difference between performances where I felt comfortable and those where the fear of judgement or failure took over and had me shaking, losing control of my breath and sounding timid. Auditions, exams and competitions had wildly inconsistent outcomes for me as a result, and there wasn’t much in the way of support with managing ‘nerves’. This was just something young performers were supposed to be able to figure out by ourselves if we wanted to succeed. Things worked out well for me in the end though – I discovered performance psychology and a range of resources to help people to stay calm and grounded enough to deliver a great performance, whether it’s a work presentation or pitch, an audition, a show or a public speaking engagement. I’ve seen and experienced the difference that getting performance anxiety under control can make – most of us know what we’re capable of when we believe nobody is watching or listening, compared to what can happen when we’re in the spotlight. That speech was word perfect in the mirror this morning, but now that you see everyone watching, your mind’s gone blank. You’d give Whitney Houston a run for her money when you sing in the shower, but you believe you could never reproduce that performance for an audience. And that’s why I want everyone to be equipped with the tools they need to show people what they’re really capable of. So, here are some tips and points to reflect on as you prepare for a presentation or performance situation that’s causing some anxiety.

-Ground yourself:

Being grounded means connecting with your body to help you re-regulate your Autonomic Nervous System and prevent you dissociating (feeling disconnected from your body, spaced out, losing contact with ‘here and now’ reality) or freezing. Top tips to support this include pushing your feet into the floor, diaphragmatic breathing and taking a moment to get into a stance that feels open, upright, solid and moveable. Connecting with your environment also helps with grounding – you might want to do something like taking a moment to find three things in the space that are a specific colour, for example.

-An interview/audition is a two-way street:

You may have done your research and concluded that this organisation and role are perfect for you, and this may or may not turn out to be the case. Situations where things look ‘great on paper’ but don’t feel quite right when you meet and check each other out apply equally to those being assessed and those doing the assessing. If, beyond the discomfort of feeling nervous about the process itself, something feels a little ‘off’, it’s worth paying attention to your gut feeling, reflecting on what might be behind it, and – if possible/appropriate – asking questions to see if the answers reassure you. In some industries, most notably in highly competitive ones such as performing arts, people can be made to feel powerless until they reach a level of success that allows them to make choices and demands. For competitive roles, a sense that ‘if you don’t like the way things are done, there are thousands of other hopefuls for us to choose from’ is an old adage that needs to be consigned to history. There is increasing pressure on leaders to improve working conditions and recruitment practices or face difficulties in filling roles and pushback from the workforce further down the line. No matter what the industry or environment, abusive, humiliating or discriminatory behaviour are unacceptable. We all have more power than we are led to believe, and I’d argue that it’s usually worth holding out for a place where you feel welcome, valued and listened to.

-Develop a system that works for you:

Most people who often or occasionally struggle with performance anxiety develop an awareness of how that shows up for them and what’s most likely to happen if they get overwhelmed. A common example is forgetting words or lyrics, or ‘drawing a blank’ when asked a question you’d usually be able to answer. There may be physical discomfort in the form of shaking, nausea, feeling faint or muscle tension, and the realisation that some of these are visible to the audience can send you into a spiral of worry, shame and self-criticism about how they are being perceived. You might find that your mouth gets so dry, you can barely speak. So, the first step here is to spot any patterns – you might want to document your various performance experiences in a journal, where you note how you felt, what the environment was like, how you were responded to and your overall sense of how it went. If you were so overwhelmed that there are parts of a performance or presentation you don’t remember, this is useful information to note too. Once you have built up a sense of any patterns, triggers and insights, you can start to match your tools to your needs. It might be helpful to do this with the support of a coach, but otherwise, you can develop systems that help you to jog your memory, stay hydrated, keep your blood sugar stable etc. according to your needs. I sometimes like to write words or lyrics out ahead of a singing performance to remind myself of them, and because the physical act of writing them seems to help me connect with them. What would work for you? Treat it like a scientific experiment.

-Reasonable adjustments:

Where possible and necessary, don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. That might involve letting an interviewer know you need a moment to settle yourself before you respond to a question, developing a backstage ‘ritual’ with a friend to help you get calm or letting an organisation know about any accessibility needs you may have. Bear in mind that any reasonable adjustments related to disability, neurodivergence or diagnosed mental health issues legally have to be met in a workplace context. If you anticipate feeling overwhelmed by a presentation or interview in the workplace, consider scheduling before and after the event – is there anything you can do or request in order to give you some calm time and space to prepare and to decompress?

-Harness the adrenaline:

It’s become a cliché to say ‘use the nervous energy to your advantage’, and that’s not helpful when the fight/flight/freeze response and stress hormones seem to have taken over your entire being… But if you can learn to calm your system, you’ll be able to think clearly, connect more effectively with your audience and perhaps experience the nervous energy as excitement, rather than terror. Often, different but related emotions have similar physical sensations attached to them. How we interpret those sensations makes a difference to how our emotional state develops. There’s a symbiotic relationship between thoughts, physical sensations and emotion – we can influence our thinking and emotions by tuning into and adjusting our body’s responses (e.g. by slowing our breathing), and we can influence our emotional and physical response using our thoughts (e.g. by realising that some of what we’re calling ‘anxiety’ might be ‘excitement’). Learning to tune into what our bodies are telling us and developing ways of soothing the body and mind gives us a whole menu of options to help us deal with a stressful, scary or exposing situation like trying out or interviewing for our dream role. Crucially, practicing techniques that help you to re-regulate your nervous system when you don’t need them means that you’ll respond more quickly and effectively in the moment when you’re heading towards overwhelm. So, incorporating grounding and calming techniques into your regular routine means that they’re much more likely to work if and when you find yourself in front of an audience or panel with a sudden feeling of panic.

Good luck, and I’d love to hear how you get on with these tips. You can let me know, or set up an exploratory call by contacting me here.

Free Coaching! Volunteers wanted...

FREE COACHING!

-Feeling stuck with a workplace or career related issue?
-In need of support to connect with your purpose, values and direction?
-Struggling to speak up for yourself?

I'm looking for the first of 3 volunteers to receive 12 FREE coaching sessions. I've been offered a fantastic opportunity to deepen my practice and try out some new models.

So, here's what's on offer:
*A brief intro session where we discuss what's on your mind, what's on offer and work out whether this feels like a good fit for you.
*Monthly 50 minute coaching sessions (all likely to take place online)
*Resources to suit your individual needs and goals.
*A confidential service: while I'll share information about my practice with my supervisors, your details will be kept private.

What I'm asking for:
*That you're able to make the time and space to commit to monthly sessions
*That you feel able to offer constructive feedback throughout and at the end of the process

What's the next step?
Please contact me for a chat.