The ‘authentic self’ - what is it, and does it help to try to find the elusive ‘real me’?

We live in a moment where the concept of ‘authenticity’ shows up just about everywhere. We might debate and denigrate the lack of real, raw and unfiltered versions of people showing up on social media platforms. We might see wall art and online posts (which may or may not be AI generated) encouraging us to just be ourselves. We might offer coaching and facilitation that, in part, is about supporting people to show up or communicate authentically – okay, that last one might only be applicable to a few of us, but it’s what led me to being curious about the concept of being our authentic selves and what that might mean. There’s potential for this thought thread to unravel to an existential level, so please consider this a disclaimer in case it leads you into vaguely cosmic territory.

I started engaging with a question around what our most authentic selves might be when I described a programme I was delivering to a wonderfully analytical friend. I used a phrase along the lines of ‘supporting people to show up as their authentic selves’, and we debated the meaning and usefulness of the term for a while. I felt sure that there was something meaningful and relatable in the idea of feeling safe and welcome enough in a shared space to be able to communicate openly and honestly, let go of excessive self-monitoring and masking, and feel valued for the unique combination of traits, skills, ideas and experiences we bring to the table. There’s something in this that, for me, is about being able to let go and just be. I’m both lucky enough to know what it feels like to experience this, and unlucky enough to have experienced dangerous environments where it was necessary to adapt, hide or try to proverbially puff myself up to seem intimidating in hopes of staying safe. So, on some level, it’s a question of safety and belonging – who are we when we don’t have to look over our shoulder, or squeeze our square peg self into a round hole in order to be accepted?

My friend agreed about the importance of developing spaces and communities where everyone can experience this feeling of letting go and being themselves. But digging into the concept of what ‘being yourself’ actually means, things got a little more complicated. We’re probably all aware of the ways that we adapt our language, speech patterns, tone, clothing, body language etc. to fit the culture and expectations of the different places and groups we find ourselves in. We might be aware of our brains’ use of specific neurons to subconsciously mirror others’ movements and expressions as a way to fast-track relationship building. That is to say, as humans, we’re interdependent animals who are profoundly influenced by each other. There’s a philosophical question here about whether one of the ways we present is the one that truly represents who we are, with others being adaptations that we’ve developed as a strategy for social cohesion. Is the ‘authentic’ self the one that shows up when nobody’s watching? This seems like an over-simplification - we are continuously changing as we learn from experience, adapt to environment and experience our bodies first growing and then ageing. And even if the unfiltered ‘self’ is the most authentic one, is there value to bringing that part to the front in any given situation? Like so many of the themes I’ve been reflecting on lately, this speaks to a dance between individualist and collectivist approaches – in other words, do the needs of the individual or the needs of the group take precedence here? I have spent many years supporting clients to advocate for themselves, speak up about their needs, be unapologetic about who they are, and (when safe to do so) share how they really feel. These are skills that I believe are essential for everyone, and doubly so for those whose voices and needs have been sidelined, dismissed or weaponised by people and systems driven by a need to keep a tight grip on power and resources. And yet, if we all focus primarily on ensuring our own needs are met and our own authentic responses are honoured in every situation, the balance of considering self and considering others is likely to be skewed. Sometimes, our most authentic response or way of showing up might be unhelpful – perhaps we need a little time to process and make sense of our feelings before sharing them. Or maybe something that would bring comfort, joy or a little more ease to our day is conflicting with someone else’s needs. This seems to suggest a dichotomy between self-interested authenticity and inauthenticity in the name of compromise. I don’t believe that it’s necessary to be less of ourselves in order to consider the needs of others, especially since many of the people I work with tend to have gone in the other direction and developed people pleasing tendencies as a strategy for maintaining belonging. What I am considering is the problem with an individualist construction of the ‘authentic self’ (you know, the one that all of those Instagram ads tell you that you can express more fully if you buy one more supplement). Going to the opposite end of the individual-collective scale, family, community, duty and tradition may be significantly more important than the needs, desires and idIosyncracies of any individual. In this context, the focus on interdependence is clear, but the potential pressure to suppress any aspects of self that don’t fit with cultural expectations can tip over into causing harm. This pressure to suppress aspects of ourselves is something I’m acutely aware of as a queer person. I’m tempted to wander down the rabbit hole of exploration about whether queer identity is a fundamental and fixed aspect of the ‘authentic self’, but perhaps the philosophy is less important than the ways that we make space for, celebrate and create safety for the different aspects of each other’s identities (especially when those identities and experience have been met with oppression). And we might extend this idea to the concept of the ‘authentic self’ in general. We might theorise that each human has an eternal, unchanging soul; that we are the products of a combination of environment and genetic inheritance; that there is no true ‘self’; or that our sense of reality and self is essentially a hallucination. It’s a fascinating and potentially destabilising thread to pull a little, and it’s quite possible that our beliefs and assumptions on this existential level have an influence on how we think and behave. But when it comes to allowing people to show up authentically, what seems more important is the intention and action required to create spaces that feel safe and welcoming enough for people to let their guard down and just be.

What might that look like in practice?

Some examples…

-Providing accessible spaces that offer accommodations and, where possible, pay attention to the sensory environment (can background noise be minimised, can lighting be adjusted, is there a quiet breakout space?)

-Getting into a practice of checking in and finding out how people really are (the boundaries and appropriate level of depth with this is context dependent)

-Developing a practice of encouraging compassionate and appropriate challenge

-Inclusive, diverse and non-tokenistic representations and celebrations of different identities in a space

-Challenging assumptions and thinking critically about how we police and restrict language, appearance/style, body language etc., especially in work contexts – consider who decides which dialects, clothing choices etc. are deemed the most professional

-Explicitly and equally valuing different forms of intelligence and skill sets

-Providing gender neutral spaces, not making assumptions about people’s gender or orientation

-Staying curious and developing awareness of assumptions about others’ experiences (e.g. asking questions that assume a particular family structure, experience of a cultural celebration or identity)

-Developing good negotiation and compromising skills to manage competing needs

-Valuing rapport building, while understanding that different people have different ways of making connections

‘So what is it that you actually do?’ – Stories from a coach and facilitator with a niche job title (Part 2)

I offer coaching, facilitation and consultancy in a wide range of contexts with people in very different situations. But there are some common themes that arise for many clients – these include:

*Burnout and compassion fatigue

*Finding it difficult to express themselves or state their needs

*Feeling stuck in a ‘freeze’ response

*Working out ‘who am I now, and where next?’

*Creating community and finding places where they feel a sense of belonging

These challenges can show up in different ways and different situations, and it’s not always obvious at the outset that these are things that might need some attention. Sometimes, the reason a person comes to coaching is that they’re stuck with a specific issue in the workplace, difficulty communicating with someone in their life, needing support to make life decisions, or because they feel that they need some space to focus on improving their wellbeing.

But when we get below the surface, a lot of the themes that come up for people are human experiences that so many of us share in common. As a species, we’ve evolved to survive and thrive through cooperation, and we can be motivated by a need for belonging. That’s part of the reason that the relational aspect of any good coaching can be so transformative, and it’s also why I often find myself focusing on relationships, communication and what’s going on psychologically, emotionally and somatically in relation to them, regardless of what specific issues a client has come in with. Underneath a fear of speaking up and asking for a specific need (or want) to be met is often a belief such as ‘I’m too much’, ‘I’m not enough’ or ‘I mustn’t risk rejection’, which was likely a result of interactions with significant people earlier in life. Although coaching differs from therapy by being predominantly present and future focused, rather than spending a lot of time reflecting on the past, understanding why we’re carrying around self-limiting beliefs or struggling with a particular aspect of communication, self-care or decision making can be powerful in terms of breaking cycles and creating meaningful change.

So, what do I find useful in addressing these big topics?

The Coaching Relationship

A major foundation of any effective therapeutic or personal development focused relationship is building rapport, trust and enough safety to allow clients to express how they really feel and know that this will be met positively. That in itself, along with any interactions that lead to feeling seen and heard can be a powerful intervention for someone who is working with internalised beliefs about being ‘too much’, ‘not enough’ or ‘taking up too much space’. This might look like – for example - explicitly stating that emotions are welcome in the coaching space, responding calmly and warmly to what a client has shared, demonstrating reliability and showing that I’ve heard and understood, and offering permission to clients to be in the space, in their body and in the coaching relationship in whatever way they need to.

Beyond this, I might offer an experimental, sometimes slightly playful approach to collaboratively working with clients to discover what tools, resources and communication styles work best for them. I may use gentle challenge and checking out assumptions to support them to move past self-limiting beliefs. We may explore models, frameworks and metaphors or stories to make more sense of something a client is stuck with. These are tried and tested aspects of coaching work, and I’m always delighted when they result in a new insight that leads to meaningful change – like when one client realised that there was a pattern of discounting her own needs when communicating with others in her personal and professional life, and began working on a strategy to address this that led to huge improvements in her work and relationship with her partner.

An Embodied Approach

I also find an embodied approach to addressing some of these big themes is really effective. We’re finally starting to move away from approaches to personal development that seem to view us as floating heads with clear distinctions between the cognitive, emotional, physical and behavioural aspects of ourselves. It’s becoming clear to more and more people that we can’t really separate our thoughts, emotions, experiences, body sensations and physical/mental health. I got into embodiment work because I was in a wellbeing and communication crisis of my own, and because most of my coaching work, at least in the early days, focused on performance and presentation, which have embodied aspects to them. We communicate using our bodies, and when this is in the context of verbal communication or vocal performance, our body is our instrument. There’s a feedback loop between the physical sensations we feel, whether we’re holding tension in our bodies, how we’re taking up space, how we feel emotionally, and what we communicate. On a societal level, we’re learning more and more about the ways in which we can re-regulate an over or under-stimulated nervous system in order to get back to a place of calm, clear thinking and here-and-now presence. That’s really helpful in situations where we might feel stressed, anxious, angry or overwhelmed. So there’s always an element of embodied practice in my coaching, even if that ‘only’ involves encouraging clients to notice physical responses and offering sugggested ways to ground themselves when things get challenging. We might also play with embodying a particular thought, feeling or experience, and seeing what happens to the client’s communication, emotions or thought processes when they try different ways of breathing, taking up space, engaging muscles or letting go of tension.

Connecting with Intuition

Offering tools that support deep relaxation, connection with our most intuitive, Adult selves and space to meaningfully reflect can also be transformative when someone is stuck in a place of feeling ‘frozen’, unable to work out what to do next, or afraid to set courageous goals that will bring them what they need in order to feel as healthy and fulfilled as possible. Using breathwork, guided visualisations and other tools that can help clients to enter this deeply reflective space can be a great jumping off point for identifying values, working out what they would ideally like their life to look like, connecting with what they feel passionate about, and moving on to take steps towards the goals they have set from a place of calm, curiosity and intuition. Sometimes, we can surprise ourselves when we tap into feelings, ideas and dreams that we’re less aware of on a conscious level, and that can lead to powerful insights and ability to get ‘unstuck’ in decision making processes. One client came to coaching because of burnout and a need to address work-life balance. They hadn’t had the time or space to reflect on what they wanted to do next in life or how to achieve a more sustainable pace while satisfying their career goals until they found a way to protect some time for coaching sessions in which to slow down and consider this. We used visualisation exercises to connect with the client’s values, needs and passions. This was the first step in a change of career that they later fed back brought them joy and helped them to feel more like their authentic self than they had in a long time.

Self-Expression Work

I also support clients to express themselves with courage, authenticity and clarity. That might be in the context of speaking up about their own needs and views, performance and presentation, addressing a fear of being seen and heard or all of the above. It can be so helpful to have a practice space in which making mistakes, ‘saying the unsayable’, being vulnerable and making noise are explicitly welcomed and encouraged. Again, the working relationship makes a huge difference here, as it’s far easier to take risks when we trust the person who is supporting us to do so. It’s important to go at the pace that works best for each person, and for them to be reminded that they are in control of the situation. Permission to stop, say no and ask for a specific need to be met are important in letting a client know this – especially if they have a history of needing to over-adapt in order to please others and stay safe. Beyond this, there are lots of ways that I might support someone to express themselves more freely. Inviting a playful approach can be helpful in some situations (and absolutely the wrong thing to do in others – tailoring support to individual need is so important here). Distraction can help in cases where someone is caught in a feedback loop of self-criticism and stifled expression/communication. I enjoy seeing the difference it can make when I support people to connect with their emotions and speak, sing or present as themselves (rather than emulating someone else or trying to be who they think others might want to hear). The changes can be subtle or hard to pin down, but the difference is in the emotional connection – it’s so exciting when someone expresses something in a way that sparks a real human to human connection and helps me tap into my own emotional world for a moment. That’s an example of courageous, authentic communication, which can be so transformative in contexts from moving past conflict, to advocating for our needs, to being able to move and inspire an audience.

If you’d like to find out more and discuss how I might be able to support you with any of the challenges described here, I’d love to hear from you – you can contact me here.